I get a tingling feeling in my fingertips as I hold a friend’s baby, that internal maternal urge to nurture and protect.
I was a ’late starter’ and had my child at 38. We got caught up in parenthood and before I knew it, it was too late to have a second child. I have a step-daughter so my husband felt no need or urge to have another child. I however felt I had so much more love to give and would have loved the opportunity to bring another child into the world. I also wanted to keep him happy and when I did think about it, I realised that what we had was just perfect.
I did mourn however that my body wouldn’t again fulfil its function of creating and carrying another child.
That I would never again feel a baby growing in me and those kicks and movement.
I wouldn’t get to experience that natural innate ability to feed and nourish a baby again.
To be forever curious about what the baby would have been like, what it would have looked like.
My life was full but there was a gap in it for what could have been. I also grieved the passing of a stage in my life and the reality setting in that the time had passed for me to have another baby.
I have worked through all of this and I acknowledge and I am grateful for all that is in my life right now, particularly;
My step-daughter Sydney who brings joy into our lives and is a generous sister to her brother.
I come from a big family and we get closer as we grow older so knowing that my son Matthew will always always have his half-sister around brings comfort to me.
My son’s friends who fill our home with wonderful noise and mess and tease him and fight with him.
Friends who are there for us like family who love us and support us.
Nieces and nephews who I watch grow up so quickly around us and who I together with my siblings have actively encouraged friendships and spending quality time together.
Pets and animals particularly my cats that bring joy to us and love and cuddles.
Small families like ours that allow us time and space to be together but to also have moments apart.
What I originally perceived as a loss I now see all that I have gained and those attributes I thought I missed by not having a baby and the love that I could give is expressed in so many other places.